Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
