I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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