I'm so fucking centered right now
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
