YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
