Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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