the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
