I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
