If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
