So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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