my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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