this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
