I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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