bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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