Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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