2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
