Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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