My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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