Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
