I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
