hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
