apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
