Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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