My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i need to put some appletini on your dick
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