i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
