3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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