did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
