I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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