I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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