I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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