It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
