the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
