This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
