I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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