So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
