Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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