I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
