Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
