Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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