you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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