It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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