i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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