i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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