nut hugger
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
