i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
