Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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