she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
They are going to name an STD after you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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