I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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