I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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