When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
