Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
