I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
