we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
