I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
