I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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