I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
