i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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