Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
