I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
