I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
