i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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