Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
