I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
