evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
