I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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