I am puke
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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